Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
