The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
