Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
