i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think my mom watched the whole time
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
