Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
