90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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