True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
