I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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