hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
