I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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