tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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