remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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