so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
