If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
