1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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