FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
