i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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