Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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