i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
