dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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