Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
