John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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