He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
