I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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