5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He passed out mid-signature
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
