Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
