is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
