when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
