Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
