I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish I only lived at night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
