Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
