I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
