In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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