I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
