I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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