I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
