and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
