You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
