The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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