1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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