I met the friendliest cop last night
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
