The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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