sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
