A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
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