Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
North Korea, Best Korea!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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