Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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