Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
