Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
