I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
