I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
