He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
