He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
