it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
